when it was bad.
When it was bad it was horrid.
It was my boyfriend who wouldn’t fuck me unless there was a webcam on us, unless we were performing for an audience.
It was people desperately needing me, sucking the life out of me.
It was fans who wanted all my attention, who wanted to believe that I was really, truly, their friend.
It was models who wanted me to validate them, to make them feel like a real, whole person.
It was being seconds away from a nervous breakdown in the bathroom of an apartment in the suburbs, knowing that I was going to have to photograph this boy and make him feel good about himself, and just being so physically uncomfortable and incapable of going on with the show that I felt myself almost burst into tears.
It was people thinking they that knew me because they’d seen my snatch rendered in 72 dpi.
It was being pigeonholed, having friends who only called me when they wanted to talk about porn.
It was taxes and legal restrictions and all sorts of financial headaches weighing down on me and slowly stealing away my ability to live out my dream.
When it was bad it was being a dumping ground for all the sexual and emotional issues of everyone I came into contact with, all while trying to run a business all by myself, with little to no training or experience.
Just looking at the good vs. bad , I’m glad to hear you got out. I’m interested to hear who you end up becomimg, much like I was interested in hearing (end eventually meeting) who Audacia became after the lead up to her trip to Europe. Pople like you and ‘Dacia are new voices that are becoming important in the alt.sex world, and in the fmeinists prorn-wars. It’s good to get the stories told, and her for real what it’s all about.
Thanks for writing about your life post-porn.
I appreciate you sharing the bad. I find when you are in the middle of running it all and flashing your ass at the same time you feel you cannot express the bad. It is a sex work thing. You do not want to give enemies any amunition. They bash you enough as is. Same with certain fans. You don’t want to give them a reason to judeg you, hate you because they will take it and use it. Just not being what they want you to be is enough for them to go off.
I also relate to your first example. When your work is based on your sex life it feels like you are wasting anything if it does not happen on camera. I think I have found a balance with respect to this. Well, most of the time anyway.