There’s an inherent problem that’s built into being an ex-porn star and dating someone.
To cut to the chase: it’s the problem of whether, or when, to show said someone the porn you’ve made.
It’s not as though I hide the porn from the people that I date: the fact that I used to run a porn site tends to come up relatively quickly (if it’s not already public knowledge before we even get to the dating). I don’t believe in keeping secrets, and my porno past is enough a part of my life that I want anyone I’m even remotely serious about to be aware of, and okay with, it before things start to move forward.
But there’s a difference between telling someone that I’ve done porn and actually showing them the photos.
On the one hand, I want to say that it’s not a big deal: that so many people have seen these photos, that they’re so public already, that it shouldn’t be an issue to show them to someone who’s already seen me naked (in person, to boot!).
On the other hand, there’s a part of me that’s terrified that showing that certain someone photographic proof of my past profession will somehow change things between us: change the way they think of me, specifically.
There’s a difference between vaguely knowing that something is true and actually seeing it in person. And I worry, I fear, that making concrete evidence of my porno past readily available will change me from, well, me into that porn girl: that making it real will somehow erase every other aspect of myself, will reduce me to a character as flat as the images on my screen.