that porn girl.

There’s an inherent problem that’s built into being an ex-porn star and dating someone.

To cut to the chase: it’s the problem of whether, or when, to show said someone the porn you’ve made.

It’s not as though I hide the porn from the people that I date: the fact that I used to run a porn site tends to come up relatively quickly (if it’s not already public knowledge before we even get to the dating).  I don’t believe in keeping secrets, and my porno past is enough a part of my life that I want anyone I’m even remotely serious about to be aware of, and okay with, it before things start to move forward.

But there’s a difference between telling someone that I’ve done porn and actually showing them the photos.

On the one hand, I want to say that it’s not a big deal: that so many people have seen these photos, that they’re so public already, that it shouldn’t be an issue to show them to someone who’s already seen me naked (in person, to boot!).

On the other hand, there’s a part of me that’s terrified that showing that certain someone photographic proof of my past profession will somehow change things between us: change the way they think of me, specifically.

There’s a difference between vaguely knowing that something is true and actually seeing it in person.  And I worry, I fear, that making concrete evidence of my porno past readily available will change me from, well, me into that porn girl: that making it real will somehow erase every other aspect of myself, will reduce me to a character as flat as the images on my screen.

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7 Responses to that porn girl.

  1. Scott says:

    I just found your blog this evening when I was looking through old posts at Fleshbot. I’m not exactly sure what they were linking to you for, but I clicked the link and ended up here. Obviously, your focus has changed dramtically since that link in Fleshbot! However, the reason I forgot about why you were originally linked is because what I found you writing about, just this week in fact, was much more interesting.

    Right now I’ll confess that I don’t even know who you are, but I’ll definitely look into that! Seriously though, there’s something about the way you write and think that I really like, so I’ll check out the site you mentioned where you do some other writing. I’d also encourage you to keep posting here since I find it very interesting.

    In any event, I’m glad I found your blog. :)

  2. Josh Jasper says:

    It’s certainly a good filter for who’d be worth dating – if your porn work changed thier opinion of you significantly, they probably wouldn’t be worth dating even if you didn’t have that history.

  3. Q says:

    well certainly whatever you made in the past is part of you, so… as josh said if something of your past change their opinion about you, I think that your opinion about they will definitely change after that.

    oh… btw… I was searching for “extreme piercing” in google.

    nice to meet you

  4. Trixie says:

    The hard part for me in actually SHOWING my porn to people vs. just telling them that’s what I do is that it creates an imbalance; they get to see something super-intimate and extremely detailed about me but what do *I* get in return? There’s no way they can reciprocate that amount of disclosure unless they have a porn site (and blog and spycams and stuff) too.

  5. Anna aka Dresden aka Trina Toxin aka Carol Chicago aka... says:

    If a partner doesn’t accept (& hopefully LOVE) the fact that I made/make porn, something is wrong. I spent most of last spring with a beautiful, amazing boy, but I felt like showing him all of my work would make him think I was less of a radical, anarchist-type lady. Right now I’m seeing a boy who loves my photos. I can tell him any story of any weird or wonderful photoshoot & know that he will still respect me.

    So, new lover can’t handle your work? Screw ‘em. Not right for you.

    Reciprocation of soul-baring is an issue, but if they have any desire to truly connect with you, I’m sure they have stories to tell.


  6. raven says:


    You are brave and beautiful.

    I am ex. a lot of things myself. What I discovered about being ex. is that you never know if and when you (read I) will go back. I believe in honesty and I like to talk upfront about my past and at the same time say that please don’t forgive me for something I have done … because I may well be there again tomorrow. Instead, try to accept it as fact and if it is possible to move on from here, great. If not, I understand.

    There is no dark in light. There is no shame in truth. There are pearls and there are swine and knowing the difference is worth taking a little time.

  7. jamie says:

    Well, I was just cleaning up some old files on my computer, and I came across some Lux photo’s I had used as a wallpaper. Nothing at all revealing, just undie shots, but very erotic nonetheless. Which brought me to this site. To see if there were any new photos for me to wallpaper my comp with. Anyways, to answer Trixie’s question, there is something these “new” guys or gals in ex porns peoples lives. They can do some mild am porn with their new partners. My girlfriend and myself have taken photos and some video, only to be erased when we sobered up and saw how aweful we looked nekkid on camera. But, there is some reciprocation to be dealt. And, if the new partner cannot deal with any of that aspect, then you need to date people that are comfortable with all subjects that involve sex.
    The honesty in the relationship is great. It needs to be there. Show your new partners your old self. Its like looking at baby photos. Yes, my mother shows my naked baby photos to everyone thats interested. Am I ashamed about them? No. Thats a bad comparison, I know, but, its relative. Shame is a brick wall. But, walls protect. So, if you think new guy can handle seeing you nekkid, and if you can handle him getting turned on by your photos, then go ahead. Give the guy some erotica thats the most personal erotica you can give anyone.

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